50 Things I Learned in Prison

  1. Toothpaste is a better glue than Elmer’s.
  2. Ramen noodles can be the base ingredient in a gourmet meal.
  3. RAP music is Really Awful Poetry.
  4. Sometimes you have to pay extra just to get the basic free service.
  5. You can’t trust authority. If you see their lips moving you know their lying.
  6. You can educate ignorance, but you can’t fix stupid.
  7. Privacy is an illusion and personal space is dimensionless.
  8. The only difference between COs and inmates is that the COs lack conviction.
  9. While the menu looks good on paper, the reality is something completely different.
  10. Prison beds have more in common with a medieval torture rack than a place to sleep.
  11. Not only is justice blind, it is deaf, mute, and retarded.
  12. Inmates can be charged outrageous prices for inferior products because they are a captive market.
  13. Common sense is not very common.
  14. Prison health care services are careless, dental services are toothless, and the mental health services are crazy.
  15. Prison is like Motel 6, they’ll leave a light on for you.
  16. Mother doesn’t live here so you have to clean up after yourself.
  17. Behavioral issues are best handled with diesel therapy.
  18. Even when you are right you’re guilty.
  19. It’s their house and their rules, I’m just a guest.
  20. Floor sealer makes good shoe polish.
  21. Coffee is the nectar of the gods.
  22. Eating gas station vending machine food in the visiting room is like dining in a 5-star restaurant compared to the chow hall.
  23. Silence is not only golden, it’s priceless.
  24. I miss my Lazy-boy!
  25. It’s pronounced “pole-ees”.
  26. “Snitch” is a four-letter word.
  27. Hygiene is not optional
  28. Forty qualifies you as old.
  29. Fifteen minutes on the phone goes by in a heartbeat.
  30. Men gossip worse than women.
  31. The truth will not set you free.
  32. Beards are a fashion statement, tattoos are a fashion faux pas.
  33. There is a direct relationship between a man’s IQ and his level of respect for women.
  34. You are guilty until proven innocent, and since no one is innocent, QED.
  35. There is no place like home.
  36. The general public is not getting their money’s worth from the MDOC.
  37. It’s the Michigan Department of Corruption.
  38. Dogs at the pound get treated better than inmates.
  39. Prison is no place for picky eaters.
  40. The prison pay scale is criminal exploitation.
  41. Lawsuits are cheaper than proper health care.
  42. Inmates are like mushrooms: Kept in the dark and fed BS.
  43. Low expectations lead to poor outcomes.
  44. Might makes fright.
  45. If you don’t get your hopes up you won’t be disappointed.
  46. You can’t force someone to change; they have to want to.
  47. Harsh prison sentences punish more than just the guilty party.
  48. Some fashion statements should be revised before being made public.
  49. Dental floss can mend anything.
  50. The way to claim success is to keep changing programs before the failures become too evident.

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