You Might Be A Prisoner If:

An homage to Jeff Foxworthy

1. You try to buy things with Ramen Noodles.
2. You call out in a restaurant “Cookie for a burger!”
3. You send a written request to your doctor for an appointment.
4. Three times a day you stop what you’re doing and go sit on your bed.
5. You never make phone calls that last more than 15 minutes.
6. All the outfits in your closet are identical.
7. You can tell military time but you don’t salute officers.
8. You get signatures in your day planner for every appointment.
9. You get your hair cut with children’s safety scissors.
10. Instead of being chased by a posse, the posse travels with you.
11. You wish your gin had been brewed in a bathtub.
12. You sleep with the lights on for safety.
13. You gossip worse than women about other men.
14. You expect and accept “No” for an answer.
15. You are willing to stand in line at the worst restaurant in town.
16. You work for only pennies an hour.
17. You have to pay your roommate to get him to take a shower.
18. You paid for your tattoos with coffee.
19. Convictions are something on your rap sheet, not something you believe.
20. Earning a GED is considered a significant achievement.
21. You answer when people call you by a number instead of your name.
22. Instead of working 9 to 5 you have hard labor from 5 to 9.
23. You use a Bible as a doorstop or a wedge for your bunk.
24. You think HOPE is a four-letter word.
25. You think that instant coffee is the elixir of the gods.
26. You think that life and death is just fun and games.
27. You watch free cable but are not staying in a hotel.
28. The way you say ‘Thank you’ is “Good lookin’ out” and mean it literally.
29. All your worldly possessions fit into a duffle bag but you don’t deploy overseas.
30. The majority of the furniture in your room is bolted to the floor or walls.